“The aim of human polity is human happiness. But this does not mean that we are obligated to be richer, or busier, or more efficient, or more productive, or progressive. We are not obligated to be any of these things if they do not make us happier.” –”The Outline of Sanity” by GK Chesterton.
When I started to write this small, little reflection this morning, I cut and paste a quote from GKC into my Google doc. The little cursor timer told me that something was happening, and I could see that something had happened.
But the page was blank.
I hit control + v again. And still my page was blank. The cursor had moved as if something was there. I was frustrated beyond measure. I am wife to a busy doctor with a stressful practice, a mother of a two-year old and a 9 month old baby, finishing a dissertation, and struggling to work as a freelance writer and editor. I allow myself time to write essays, short stories and fiction, in small 15 minute increments. 15 minutes are magic in my life, and I am amazed at what I am enabled to do in these small chunks of time, guided by a little white timer on my desk, dedicated to the purpose of free writing in this small, rather humble time. (Which is good because the delusions of grandeur that shadow writers and artists tend to be anything but small and humble.)
I place a certain trust in my timer, an enchantment, if you will. If I believe that the timer is connected to something bigger, a Force–not unlike the kind Luke Skywalker tapped into–that wants me to write, it will allow 15 minutes to stretch almost into eternity if needs be. I also have a list. The list keeps my multiple projects in front of me, so that when an unexpected 15 lands on my desk, I don’t have to waste time wondering or planning what to do. I put that struggle into the list beforehand so that when I’m ready the work meets me and I meet the work instantly. I believe in that list and the list believes in me. It will always give me exactly the right thing to work on and I will always give it my absolute best and attention.
That is except for when stuff–or something else that starts with s that is rather less polite than stuff–happens. Like this morning, when the timer began running only a short time before my babies were due to awake, only hours before eight well-beloved families were to arrive at my house for a celebration we are hosting here. Control + v. Control + v. Nothing.
That’s when I begin to doubt. To doubt my list, to doubt my timer, to doubt the illusion that I can accomplish anything in this world (or the next) with all the plates I keep spinning and up in the air on a daily basis, with out anything to break their fall on the cold grey tiles of my kitchen floor. And then I also imagine my two sweet daughters playing on that floor amidst the broken shards of my foolishness and I feel shame for having reached so high in the first place. In that moment, I was about to break from my page and shut the damned, stupid timer off, but I looked at the cursor winking at me in the middle of the page and realized something rather mundane and rather shocking nonetheless, a digital fact with all the gravity of insight and the faintest whiff of revelation.
The font was set to white. I highlighted the invisible text on the page, and the page was half-filled with my efforts even though I couldn’t see it was there. And that’s when this essay began to fill the page in black, and the essay I started to write became a rather different sort of essay than the one I thought I was starting to write. I started to write about the pursuit of happiness and how it doesn’t lead you to the places where you think it should go but its the pursuit that keeps us to the course, which is not really narrow but as broad as the Tiber at Tiber Island and as deep as the Atlantic at its heart.
But of course, I wrote this instead. And perhaps this was the essay the Timer and the List had in mind all the time–and the Author of those tools, who certainly isn’t Me, chuckles to himself especially at the delectable irony of the key names CONTROL + V. I could almost feel a pat on my head as I heard my daughters stir in their cribs.
“In a word, God paints in many colours; but He never paints gorgeously, I had almost said gaudily, as when He paints white.” -”A Piece of Chalk”–by GK Chesterton.